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1. |
Norma
was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of her had slipped into the
checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
Norma's delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which
six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great
if that happened more often!
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2. |
Because they had
no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the
husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They
were seated immediately.
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3. |
The
reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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4. |
All eyes were on the
radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.
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5. |
Women
and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea. |
6. |
Three friends from
the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say? "
Artie said,: "I
would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual
leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I
would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said, "I'd
like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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7. |
Smith
climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk
to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does
a million years mean to you?"
The
Lord replies, "A minute." Smith
asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The
Lord replies, "A penny." Smith
asks," Can I have a penny?"
The
Lord replies, "In a minute".
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8. |
A man goes to a shrink
and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every
evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,
She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What
do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says
the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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9. |
An
old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse"
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard
says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The
old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you
man and wife."
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10. |
John was on his deathbed
and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear,"
he said.
"Of course, John,
" his wife said softly. "Six months after I die,"
he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought
you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath
John said, "I do!"
##
A man picks up a young
woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the
first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully
for a second before replying "You might be," she
says. "Your face looks familiar."
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11. |
The Rabbi
A
man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible
is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The
Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The
man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The
Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The
man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The
Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A
week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?"
The
man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
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12. |
All
genealogy buffs will appreciate this:
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered
just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when
someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!”
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond
in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe
Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt,
Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and twins Deap Schitt
and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap
Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack
and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,
and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to
keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda
Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition
named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla
Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding Announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home
to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his
new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, “You
don’t know jack Schitt,” you can correct them.
Sincerely,
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13. |
No Speaka de English
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In
this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
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